January 9, 2020
After another night of no sleep, it is time to get up. Wade is with me. We get Hudson up. I start the morning like any other. Neither one of us are talking about what happened last night. I was honestly so numb, I kind of forgot. 830am hit. I need to call the office and let them know what happened.
“Hi, my name is Megan, I had spoken with someone about bleeding with my pregnancy the past couple of days. Um, I had a miscarriage last night.”
“Oh, I am so sorry to hear that Megan. Did you go to the ER?”
“No.” I paused. The thought never crossed my mind. People come to the ER for this all the time. Most people think you have too. You don’t.
“I work as a nurse in the ER, I didn’t really want to go to work to have this.” I continued.
“Oh, okay. So you passed tissue?” she stuttered.
“Yes, I could see the baby and I coughed out my placenta.” I stated so nonchalantly.
“Okay, um, alright. I will let your doctor know and we will get back to you Megan.”
“Okay, thank you.” I hung up.
Wade looked at me with the most sad look. It almost looked like he was upset because I was so insensitive about it. I had just stated everything. I didn’t have any emotion with it. In fact, I had no emotion all morning. I made breakfast and everything. I had texted my mom something on the lines of, “I had a miscarriage last night.”
Hudson laid down for his nap. I went and took another shower. I thought it might make me feel better. Showers are good for that. As I was getting out of the shower, my mom called me. I answered. You could hear her heart break in her voice. I talked to her for a bit. She made me cry. I hadn’t cried all day, until I talked to her. I laid in bed, naked from my shower, after getting off the phone with her. I cried. But the silent cry. The cry where tears just run down your face and you can’t turn it off. After several minutes, Wade comes in. He heard me on the phone with my mom. He was worried about me. He saw me crying. The tears silently running down my face. He asked me, “what do you need?”
“I don’t know. I think I want to leave for a bit. I just want to get out of the house. I might go get a coffee and go to the station and see Ty.”
I got dressed. I put jeans on and a sweater. I put my hair half up and I put mascara on. I’m not sure why. But I think I was trying to look like a normal person. “Do you want me home by a specific time?”
“No babe, go do what you need. I will be here for you when you get back.”
I went and picked up Dunkin’ Donuts. I went over to station 2 where Ty was working that day. Everyone was there. Rachel and Seth, Morgan and Ty. Everyone was so happy to see me. Ty knew. He knew everything that I had happened. I had given him the basics. Ty and I went into the kitchen to talk because everyone was watching TV. He asked how I was.
“Physically? Ha, I feel great. I haven’t felt this great for months.”
“How are you.” Why does my best friend have to know me so well? Like damn. I looked at him. I couldn’t say anything. I started to cry. That horrible silent cry. The one you don’t ever want to do but you have no control over. Morgan had walked into the kitchen to grab some water. She didn’t see me. My back was turned from her. Thankfully. The last person I wanted to see me cry was her. Morgan is Ty’s work partner. She is also his other friend. We all get along great. But there is always tension. Any who. She leaves the kitchen. And he pulls me into the bay where the ambulances are. He hugs me and the tears flow more. He knows how hurt I am. The phone rings. Morgan comes out. This time, she sees me. She saw us hugging and me hysterical crying. She looked at him, “we have a run.”
“Don’t leave. I will be back.” he says to me.
“Okay.” I wiped away my tears as fast as I could. I didn’t want Morgan to see me broken and weak.
I should probably add that Ty is gay. He is my best friend. But he is as gay as it gets. And we love him for who he is. So no, this hug is not a romantic hug. It is the hug you give your best friend when they are hurt.
I go back in and sit at the table in the kitchen. I texted him, “tell her.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. She knows something is up. She saw me hysterically crying.”
“Only if you want me to tell her. I won’t unless you are sure.”
“Okay, I will. I will be back soon.”
They come back from their run. She hugs me. She is tearful. It almost seems fake. But I’ll take the hug. We continued to talk. I left shortly after they got back. I was tired. I wanted to go home. I was done being out. I went home. Wade greated me. I hugged him and Hudson. Hudson was so happy to see me. It was refreshing. Wade still looked at me with sad eyes. I didn’t really look at him. I kind of ignored him. I went into the bedroom and took a nap.
I never ate lunch. I don’t remember if I even ate dinner. I was just alive.