January 7, 2020
I don’t think I slept. Or I did. It wasn’t great sleep. But I was exhausted. My brain had run all day, between working 12 hours while being 8weeks pregnant and the emotional exhaustion of being worried about this domming miscarriage. I was still bleeding. Not a lot. But it was there. I waited a couple hours. The office opened at 8am. I was up at 7am with Hudson. 9am I had some more blood. This blood is heavier, and brighter. Fuck.
At 930am, I decided I needed to call. I needed to stop torturing myself. The office said they could get me in at 230pm. I agreed. The next several hours were torture.
I had told Ty what was going on. He was my best friend. Plus we had planned to go to a Red Wings game tonight. I didn’t want to cancel on him, but damn, I’m not sure if I really want to go. At the same time, it might not be a bad idea to go. Keep my mind busy.
Ty comes over to watch Hudson for us. Normally I would have my mother in law watch him for things like this, but I didn’t want to explain to her the appointment or why Wade was going with me and why I didn’t want Hudson there.
I met my Husband at the appointment. I am seeing the one doctor I have never met in the office. I wasn’t sure what to expect. My “first appointment” was next week on the 15th. I am scheduled for a urine pregnancy test, an ultrasound and an office visit afterward on the 15th. They schedule it at 9weeks. I am 8weeks today. The doctor comes in, and asks me all these questions. He pretty much asked me what I wanted. He offered me a pelvic exam and blood test. But didn’t see the need to rush an ultrasound today due to the fact that I am not having any pain. He wasn’t worried about an ectopic pregnancy since I had no pain. An ectopic pregnancy can be considered a medical emergency. The baby grows inside of the fapollobain tube and will rupture your fapollobain tube if it grows too big. It also is severely painful.
I request for both. He does the pelvic exam. He tells me my uterus appears to be between 8-9weeks gestation. He pushes around on my stomach while elbow deep inside of me. He said my cervix is closed. All good things. He pulls his elbow out of my lungs and shows me his hand. “Is this the blood you are seeing?”
“Uh, yeah?” like really? Your just hand just came out of me, where else would that have come from?
“I’ll order the HCG test. I expect to see it at about…” He said a number. Something like 15,000? Maybe. I honestly couldn’t tell you. I wasn’t really listening. He also told me multiple times that “Humans are horrible at carrying children. 1 in 4 women miscarry.” blah blah blah blah. Like okay. Thank you for making me feel like a statistic. And telling me that we suck at doing our job as a woman. Cool thanks bro.
I was annoyed. And upset. And relieved all at the same time. While we were waiting for me to get my blood work drawn, Wade told me that he really thinks that I should go to the game with Ty tonight. No matter what. Just for me to have something to do. My husband knows that I am not a homebody. Don’t get me wrong, I love being home, but I am a busy body. I like to go do things. He thought it would be a good idea for me to go and get out of the house.
My blood is drawn. As mentioned earlier, I stalk my patient portal. I am literally stalking my portal, like every hour. Ty heads home after getting back from my appointment. He went home and showered and got around then came back up and picked me up for the game. The drive to the game was longer than normal. I am obviously distracted. The whole night really. But it was very obvious in the car. Normally, I am singing and dancing in the car, jamming out. That’s my normal. It's a constant back and forth. Music is up and down. Up when I’m singing and dancing, and down when I want to talk about something. Today, it was just a constant level. We talked, but it was mostly small talk. About work and stories that happened at work.
We got up there like 45 minutes before the game and we still had to try to grab something to eat real quick. We found a restaurant a walking distance from the arena and were able to sit down and eat real quickly. I’m still checking my phone. It has now been hours since my blood draw, how long could it possibly take to run this. I refresh. Suddenly a result shows. I just stare. Ty knows that my levels have finally posted. I went from responding with yeahs and okays to nothing. I’m sure it looked like I was in a completely different world.
“What?” he asks.
“Okay.” nodding my head.
“What is it?”
“Meg, words. What is it.”
“Okay, is that good?”
“Okay, well go let Wade know!”
At this point. I am so confused and lost. My levels are good. Great actually. Right where they should be. My cervix is closed. I am not having any pain. But I am bleeding. I am still continuing to bleed. All the signs are saying that this is probably a subchorionic hematoma. Deep down in my heart though, I knew it was a miscarriage. I just knew it. I had this heart wrenching feeling that I was losing my ball of cells. This ball of cells that I was upset about to begin with. I was mad that I was pregnant. I didn’t want it. I said some very questionable things about it. I was so sick and I despised it in some sense. Just yesterday, I was actually saying, I’m 8 weeks. Two more weeks, and I’ll be double digits. Then two weeks from there, I’ll be entering my second trimester. Now? I’m lost.
The game was great. We won. It was fun. I was in a better mood. I was still worried, but I was trying very hard to put all the worries aside and just enjoy the game.