January 6, 2020
The past week, I feel like I had pretty much died. Today, I am going back to work for the first time in over a week. Holy moly. I feel like a million dollars. I finally am not coughing all day, I have stopped having to take medicine around the clock and I have energy! It's magic. So, I go to work just like normal. I drop Hudson off at the sitter on my way in. I get there and go through my day like normal. I’m seeing my patients and taking care of them. So, I have not been on birth control since like months prior to getting pregnant with Hudson. It has been years. Your body naturally makes discharge. Not all discharge is a bad thing. During my pregnancy, I had noticed an increase in some discharge, a very normal discharge. So I am going about my day, I noticed that I was having some discharge. Ladies, you know what I mean. Like how you can tell you started your period kind of feeling, but instead of period, it's just discharge.
I made it to the bathroom when I finally got a chance in my day. At this point, I am not stressing. It’s just the normal. So, I work 12 hours shifts right? So, I’m sure if you know anyone in the medical field, you know we joke about having a “nurses bladder”. We just don’t pee, okay people? Like we are just way too busy taking care of everyone else that we just forget to pee, or drink water. It’s fine. We are used to it. So it is like 4pm and I finally go to the bathroom for the first time. I left the house at 8am, got to work at 9am. So it has been like 8 hours since I have peed. No biggie.
I sit down and look at my underwear. My jaw and heart drop at the same time. There is blood.
“What? Huh? No. This isn’t true.”
I wipe. “More blood. The blood is dark though. Which is a better sign then bright red blood. It’s “old” blood. There isn’t a significant amount of blood. Which is good. But blood is not a good sign. This doesn’t mean it is a miscarriage. This could be a subchorionic hematoma.” All these thoughts are going through my mind. So many. Mom and pregnant Megan are here, panicking. But Nurse Megan is like, na, you are fine and here’s why.
I clean up. I walk out of the bathroom. Mindy is in the office. Mindy has been my role model since I was in nursing school. She is such a smart and strong individual. On top of that, she is one of the coordinators for our SANE program. I look at her. She can sense the panic in my face.
“Uh, I’m bleeding.”
“How much? When did it start?” she responded. She was being the nurse for me. She was being my logic. It was very nice. It was allowing me to really let the pregnant Megan think.
“Not a lot, but it is there. It just started today. Why today? I am finally feeling better and now I am bleeding. Why?”
“Well, it could be nothing, or something. But I think you should call your doctor. They will know best.”
“Yeah, I will do that. Thank you.”
I walk out of the office and back on the floor. I call my office while I’m at work real quick. I leave a message letting someone know what is going on.
They called me back about an hour later. I step aside and talk to them. She asked about the color and the amount, if there was any cramping or pain that was going on. All normal questions that I am already thinking and answering myself. No, I am not in any pain. At all. Which is a really good sign. But there is still blood.
“Have you had sexual intercourse recently?” She asked.
I respond, “Uh, a couple days ago?”
“Sometimes intercourse can cause bleeding, especially since it is darker and not severely heavy. Keep an eye on it. If it continues into tomorrow, call us back and we will get you into the office.”
“Okay, thank you.”
Okay, that makes sense. I can rationalize that. That makes sense. I should add, that I am also texting my husband at this time. Because I am in a legit shock. I text him what the office said and we were both okay with that. I continue my shift while being aware of everything. I had a panty liner in to help.
I leave work at my normal time. I call my mom on the way home after about half way through my drive home. I called her to just let her know that I started bleeding. It wasn’t much and I told her what the nurse at said from the office. I just wanted to keep her informed. I seriously debated not even telling her. “This is nothing.” I kept telling myself.
I got home and Wade greated me like always. He could tell I was upset. I was trying to hide it. I was trying to hide my fear, my anger, my pain. No, this wasn’t physical pain, this was emotional pain. I was confused. I was so confused. I knew deep down in my heart that I was having a miscarriage. I knew what this was. People don’t just bleed for no reason. This is what was happening to me. I knew it. I know that I had the most flat affect on my face. I was just going through the motions. I just had to go to bed and wake up tomorrow. I told him that I thought I was having a miscarriage. He was hopeful. He tried to tell me to relax and that it could be “that other thing that you said,” talking about the subchorionic hematoma. I was relaxed. I was panicking on the outside. I was “fine”. I was just very flat. I had no emotion.