January 15, 2020
So my office called me back finally. Days after I had called them the first time. They are making me still come in for an ultrasound. Why? Why are you making me come in. The same day I was supposed to hear and see my baby’s heartbeat, you want me to come in and see my empty uterus? Are you fucking kidding me?
Wade asks the ultrasound tech to turn off the screen, so that it isn’t anymore traumatizing then it needs to be. I go in for my appointment afterwards. It’s been a week, and my bleeding is almost done. Just a light spotting. It takes her a while to come in. Honestly, it takes a very long time for her to come in.
By time she comes in, I’m already thinking of the worst case scenario. I already have it made up in my head that I am going to need a D&C. She comes in. I have had this nurse practitioner a lot. I saw her for most of my appointments when I was pregnant with Hudson. She tells me that she is sorry for our loss. She goes on to apologize for the wait. She explained that she looked at my ultrasound, but she was waiting for my doctor to look at it as well. However, the doctor was a little busy delivering babies at this time. She told me that she thought things looked pretty well, but she felt at this time, if anything were to change with the doctor looking at my ultrasound, that I would just be a medication called Cytotec. The medication would make me cramp and bleed to help get rid of whatever was left in me. She told me she felt like my endometrium was a little thicker than normal in a few spots. She continued to explain to me that she would call me back if anything changed. I had a few standard questions. What are my restrictions? When can I start trying again? I’m not quite ready yet, but when? And is there anything I need to worry about for the weekend? My best friend, Allison, was getting married in Michigan this weekend.
She told me not to worry. But she will call me if anything changes.
Wade and I went to Kohl’s to go shopping for an outfit for him to wear to this wedding. While we were there, I got a call. It was the office. I knew it was bad. It crossed my mind not to answer, to hide from the answer. But I knew I had to answer.
“Hi, is this Megan Russel?”
“Yes, this is her.”
“Hey Megan, This is Crystal from Blanchard Valley OBGYN. Dr. Westscott called me about your ultrasound. She doesn’t love how thick the lining is in some parts for how light your bleeding is. She wants you to take Cytotec. I hate to do this to you since you are traveling tomorrow. But you will take one tablet every six hours for the next 24hrs. You will hold it in your cheek for 30 minutes and it will dissolve. You will get crampy. So I recommend you take motrin to help with the discomfort. Your bleeding will pick up as well. I am so sorry. We will also have to schedule another ultrasound in a week, to recheck this lining.”
Tearing up in the middle of Kohls, my husband sees me from around the corner and comes to me to check on me. “Okay, that’s fine. If that is what needs to be done, it needs to be done. Thank you.”
There was more to the conversation, but honestly it was just a blur. Wade hugged me. I cried so hard in the middle of the men’s department at Kohls. We picked out everything and left.
We sat in the car for a minute. Wade called his mom, she had Hudson. “Hey mom, are you guys doing okay? I’d like to take Megan out to dinner if that is alright?”
“Okay, thanks mom. I love you.”
“Uh, I don’t care.” I replied just staring off into the distance.
“Cheddars okay babe?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
He drives down the road to Cheddars. We pull into the parking lot and I get another call.
“Hi, is this Megan Russell?”
“Yea, this is here.”
“I’m (so and so, literally just zoning now) we need to schedule you an ultrasound next week. Does 730am on Wednesday work?”
“Uh, do you have anything later in the day?”
“No, Unfortunately, we don’t have a lot of last minute openings.”
“Okay, that is fine.”
“Babe? Are you okay.”
I’m sitting there in the passenger seat staring at the entrance of the restaurant. Tears running down my face.
“NO! I didn’t even want this fucking baby. We weren’t trying. Honestly, we were barely having sex. Like why! WHY! Why is this happening to me. I don’t want this. I didn’t want this baby. And now I’m a fucking broken ass person. Now we have all these office bills, and blood draws and ultrasounds. Like what the fuck. I DIDN’T WANT THIS!” I said yelling and crying and throwing my arms around. I’ve never wanted to punch something so badly. Like just to get all the anger out. I was so mad! 730am to see another empty uterus? That is so fucking early. I get up at that time. What am I going to do with Hudson? I can’t take him to an ultrasound. I know I was hyperventilating. I was so upset. Wade, bless his heart, just sat there, and looked and listened to me. “I know babe. We will get through this together. I am here for you. No matter what. We will get through it.”
I whipped away my tears and blew my nose and got up and got out of the car. Wade had to catch up with me. I just wanted to move on. I was done with that moment. Lets go get food. Dinner was good, we talked about Allison’s wedding this weekend. We were leaving tomorrow to go to Michigan for the weekend.