December 9, 2019
I woke up this morning like I normally would. Hudson gets up at 7a like always. It’s a Monday and I just worked all weekend. 7a came way too early. I wish I could have slept in at least another 30 minutes. I go upstairs and get Hudson. We come downstairs, I turn on Disney Junior so we can watch Mickey Mouse clubhouse while he drinks his “ba-ba” (it’s a sippy cup that he will only drink milk out of). I brew my coffee, because coffee is life. I know my stress test is at 1p. I have specific instructions on what to do and what not to do prior to this test. Mind you, this stress test is me running on a treadmill while attached to wires and stuff. I kind of ignore some of the instructions. I run already, remember, I’ve been working out! I got this. Any who.
My morning with Hudson is like any other day. Around 1030a, I lay Hudson down for his nap. I go to get around for the day. Other moms will understand. You take a shower just because you can, no one is going to bother you. You take your time. You actually get to shave and put lotion on your legs. Well, I go to the bathroom and I go to sit down and the weirdest thought crosses my mind. Hmmm, I’m pretty sure my period is supposed to start soon. I look at my phone, we all know that we all have an app that we use to track when mother nature is going to welcome us. Well, I check my app. Hmmm. It was due yesterday. Just as a side note, I am not on any birth control. I haven’t been on any kind of birth control since wayyyyy before getting pregnant with my son. I track my cycles and we either don’t have sex during the time that I’m fertile, or we use condoms. Fun fact, you can’t get pregnant if you’re not fertile.
I always keep pregnancy tests at home. My period is generally pretty on time, however, not being on birth control allows some room for concern at times. I look at my apps. I think, well, I really don’t think there is any way that I could be pregnant. We only had sex twice around a possible time frame, before my fertile time, and after. And after, we used a condom. There’s no way. But I just had this gut feeling to take a test. But seriously, I was not truly worried that it was a possibility. At this point, it was just to prove everyone that I’m not pregnant.
I pee on the stick.
That test turned positive real fucking quick.
There’s no way.
Literally, there is no way. We used a condom? This cannot be true.
I sat on the bathroom floor. I sat there for about 5 minutes before I even completely reacted.
My reaction? Other then saying, fuck. I cried. I cried really hard. “No. I cannot be pregnant right now. I literally cannot.”
Let me give you a little bit more background on this one.
I had been wanting to get pregnant again since Hudson’s first birthday in June. It is December. This should be a good thing. However, my very best friend from literally elementary school is getting married in just over a month. She is having her fairytale wedding. My husband and I are going on a trip to Northern Michigan. I have this tiny, gorgeous $200 dress to fit into in about 5 weeks. We had told our parents that her wedding was going to be starting mark for when we were going to start trying for baby #2. After her wedding date became a real life thing, I told her, that I would try my hardest not to get pregnant before her wedding. Not that she would be upset, but the idea was that we would party all night long for her wedding! The past several months, I have been working my butt off at the gym so that I would look hot at her wedding (for myself obviously, just trying to take care of the mom bod). I had this image that I wanted for her wedding. I am telling you, this dress was snug. It was sexy in the most elegant ways possible, and I just wanted to feel fantastic in it! Not to mention, my husband and I have not been on a vacation since our honeymoon. Which at this time, is like 3.5 years ago. We were in desperate need for a momma and daddy time away.
I have literally so many thoughts running through my mind. I am upset. How did this happen? Like really. I know when I went to the ER for my chest pain, I wasn’t pregnant. I was on my period, AND they did a beta HCG on me (pregnancy hormone level)! We used a condom! There is no way. How old is this test? Maybe it is a false positive. I literally told myself that it was a false positive. The test was a couple months old. There is literally no way. This is the one month I am not even worried about being pregnant! On top of barely having sex this month, due to haing freaking stickers all over my chest from the heart monitors, we used a condom!
I get up off the floor after being pretty hysterical for about 20 minutes. I put the test back in the sleeve, put it in the box and put the box back in the drawer. I’m not going to get rid of it, but I am not about to make it seem like I took a test. I can’t let my husband know about this until I know for sure.
Let me add here. My husband is the absolute most supportive individual I have ever met. He is my real life cheerleader. He supported me mentally, emotionally, physically and financially through nursing school. His love for me is the most pure thing on this Earth. This isn’t me bragging, but this is how much I was in denial. I felt like I couldn’t tell my own husband, who loves and literally cherishes me.
I put the test back. I shower. I go on with the day. I have to go do this stress test. I need to figure out what is wrong with my heart. What in the world is causing all these issues for me. I’m standing here in the shower, literally thinking of all the crazy things my stress test might show. Still in denial about the positive pregnancy test that I took 30 minutes ago.
It is about noon. My mother in law will be here any minute now. I have on my leggings and a t-shirt. I’m tying my tennis shoes while she walks through the front door. I greet her like I always do. I give her the baby monitor so she can see Hudson. I give her the basics on when he went to sleep, when he last ate, and when I should be back. All the normal. We even made some quick small talk. I love my mother in law. She is literally the sweetest individual that has crossed the planet. She is so loving and caring and I don’t know what I would do without her.
I get down to the hospital for my testing. I know I’m going to be early. My stress test is at the same hospital I work at. It’s literally just the floor above my ER. I stop at the Kroger at the corner. I have 30 minutes. I go into the store and I grab two more pregnancy tests. Still, very much so in denial. I’m buying these tests to prove that I am not pregnant. Of course. I literally never shop at Kroger, and of all days, the register person is an old co-worker who actually recognizes me. Like really?!? When you want nothing else to be not notice, of course, she would be the ONLY person to check me out. She does the usual small talk, but how do you ignore that the only thing I am buying right now are pregnancy tests. She tells me congrats!
She was happy for me. Like genuinely happy. It was nice. There is literally no reason to be unhappy. Other than I didn’t want to be pregnant right now. My best friend's wedding is coming up. But I am a married woman, I have a career, we own a house. Like for real, the checkboxes are checked. Not to mention, our son is 17 months right now. It’s not like I just pooped him out. I acknowledge the congratulations like a normal person, and I leave.
I drive half a mile down the road to the hospital. I open the box, and I shove the tests in my pocket.
My husband will be home when I get back from my testing. I can’t exactly sneakily take a test at home while he is home, especially if I have to take the test into the bathroom with me. I’m going to take these tests while i'm at the hospital. I still have plenty of time before I need to check in. I go to the bathroom to pee before I have to go run. I mean, I have pooped out a child already. This isn’t going to be pretty if I don’t empty my bladder first. I literally will just pee my pants. Having children is fun! I swear! Haha. I pee on one of the two tests. I peed on this stick, put the lid on, and shoved it into my pocket. At this point, I’m not even sure I want to know what this “fresh” test is going to say. I sit there for a couple minutes. But I couldn’t help myself, I had to look. Of course this one gave me a big ol’ positive sign. My heart sunk. “Fuck.”
I go and check in. I walk up to the desk. Everyone knows me. I work here. Of course it isn’t a huge hospital or anything. It’s the perfect homey feeling environment. I literally love my job.
I go and do my stress test. It takes a total of maybe 20 minutes. The goal was to get my heart rate up to a specific rate. I was supposed to let them know when I got symptomatic. I did my test. I signed out. They told me they would call me when the results are in. If anything serious showed, then they would have me come back in so that me and the cardiologist could talk about it. I called my mom when I was done to see if she was at the hospital. She was. I walked down the hall to her office. That’s right. My mom and I both work at the hospital. Adorable, I know. I let her know about how the stress test went while I cooled down. After a couple minutes, I leave to head home.
I stopped at the same bathroom on the way out. I had to pee again. The third test that I took within the past 4 hours turned positive just as fast as the first one.
I don’t even know what to think.
I call my husband to let him know that I am on my way home and that my stress test went well. I am still keeping this to myself.
I cried on the way home. But I couldn’t let myself cry too much. I couldn’t let him know that something was wrong the second he saw me, but enough to let it out. I only had about a 17minute drive home. Which gave me about 5 minutes to cry because I was on the phone with him for part of the drive.
As I come up on our road, I see my mother in law is still at my house. My husband had only been home for a couple minutes and I’m sure they were talking. I park my car in the garage like always, I look in the mirror real quick to make sure no one could tell I was just crying. And I walked into my house. I still have decided if I am going to tell my husband yet, or how I was going to tell him. Do I just spit it out? Do I do something cute like all the Facebook videos?
My mother in law doesn’t stay long. Maybe 5 more minutes. She always feels bad hanging out at the house when we are both home. She is always quick to give us time to be together. It is very sweet actually. Hudson was somehow still asleep from his nap. I laid on the couch in my loving husband's embrace. He asked me about the stress test. I told him. I asked him about work, the same old same old. He asked how my day off was. He knows that I generally spend my days off listening to music while I clean the house during Hudson’s nap. It is literally my favorite thing. I tell him about the day, leaving the giant elephant in my stomach out of the conversation.
We are both relaxing for a couple minutes. We had been watching whatever was on TV. Just enjoying the time we had together. I look at him and I finally blurt it out.
“Babe, I have something to tell you.”
“What’s up?” he responds very casually.
I pause, take a deep breath, “I’m pregnant.”
My wonderful husband smiles,looks at me and responds with, “Okay.” He almost had a chuckle with it. He genuinely looked happy. Oh, okay. He is okay with this. Significantly more okay with this then I am.
He looks at me, and smiles, “What babe?”
“Are you happy? Is this okay? What are you thinking?”
“Well, sure I am. There’s not much we can do either way. We are pregnant. This is a good thing.”
“What about Allison’s wedding? I have the dress? I need to fit.”
“Babe, that is not that far away, I’m sure you won’t be showing too much.”
Hudson wakes up.
The next evening, I go to the gym like normal. I meet my friend Ty there. We always go together. It keeps accountable. I should mention at this time, that we both have crappy hearts. I know two 20 somethings at the gym with heart conditions. Ridiculous. We kept going. Just to keep going. All is going well. We get ready to get off of the treadmill. I ran to the bathroom. Shit. I really am pregnant. I vomited in the bathroom. Out of nowhere.
I come out, and he looks at me with the most suspicious look ever. Ty knows me. Probably better than I know myself sometimes. He is my best friend. We work together-ish. He is EMS, I’m ER. He brings me the patients haha. Either way, he knows something is up. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I think I just went too hard and I ate too much for dinner.”
“Yeah, okay. I don’t believe that.”
“Ty, I am fine.”
“WHAT THE FUCK?!”
“Oh my gosh!! You are!! Congrats!!!”
“Meg, don’t lie to me. You are pregnant.”
“Fine. I am. I’m not sure how. But, yes.”
“How long have you kept this from me?”
“I literally found out yesterday.”
“Before or after the stress test?”
“Before. And after.”
“How many tests did you take?” he asked me with the most judgemental look on his face, knowing damn well I take too many pregnancy tests.
“Three, in one day. All positive as all can be. Please don’t tell anyone.”
“Does Wade know?”
“Of course he does.”
“He is as happy as can be.”
“What about your heart? And Allison’s wedding?”
“Dude. Stop. I literally don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if my heart is okay. What if this pregnancy is the worst thing I could have done? All the extra fluid and vascularization? This is only going to be harder on my heart. Maybe not right now, but it is only going to get worse as it gets bigger. What if I don’t fit into my dress? Is Allison going to be upset?”
“Hey. It is going to be okay.”
We literally sat there in his car for several minutes in the parking lot. I sat there and cried. Like ugly cried. I didn’t even want Wade to know that this is how I felt about this pregnancy. Does this make me a horrible mom? Like how horrible is this. I am upset that I am pregnant because it is literally a month too early for me. I have plans and things to do. This is not planned. But most of all, I was terrified. I was having all these issues with my heart. My cardiologist literally said to hold off on getting pregnant until I had the okay from her. This could just make me more miserable.
I wiped my tears. Got into my car, and headed home. Wade was already asleep by time I got home. We always worked out around 8, 830pm. I prefer to wait till Hudson was asleep before I left. Wade works the first shift. So he gave up waiting for me, which is perfectly home. I wasn’t really in any mind set to talk.
I am literally just going through the motions at this time. Work is busy. Flu season is full blast. Oh yeah, I completely forgot to mention that I picked up an extra job at work like three weeks prior. I am a SANE nurse, or forensic nurse. I had all of this extra online training that I was trying to do while going through this mental process. Work is getting very hard. Harder and harder with every shift.
My cardiologist called me back to tell me that my stress test was negative. And that my heart was fine. I already knew my results. I watch my patient portal remember. I feel defeated. Every morning, I am puking. Okay, this is fine. I vomited every morning when
I was pregnant with Hudson. I can do this. It stopped after the first trimester. I will get through this.
Like I had said, work was getting hard. I was starting to puke while I was at work. Nothing is worse then quickly having to leave a patient’s room to calmly run to the bathroom to vomit. No one at work knows yet. Wade and Ty know. And I was perfectly okay with that. Honestly, it felt like too many people.
I was cleaning a room one day. I’m about 5 weeks pregnant at this point. We use the purple wipes for the beds, and the bleach wipes for everything else. Well. Purple wipes and I were not mixing. I stood up while in the room, and literally just took a breather. Of course. Ty walks around the corner. He had just dropped a patient off in the department. He looked at me and said, “I don’t get puked on.”
I chuckled while trying to keep everything I just ate for lunch down. He has this thing, where he has never been puked on at work. I guess he has like some crazy Matrix like moves to dodge vomit.
I looked at him, and I ran to the bathroom.
Now, the worst thing about our staff bathrooms, is that they are located within the management office. This is not my first time running to the bathroom this day. I flush the toilet, rinse my mouth and wash my face and try to collect myself before I leave. I walk out, and our educator yells my name.
“Fuck, she noticed.” I thought to myself as I turned around with a smile,
“Do you need a piece of gum?” she asks while holding a piece out.
Man, this poor woman just heard me vomit my pizza.
“Yeah, that would be great, thank you.” I responded as I grabbed the piece of gum from her.
She quickly asks, “Are you pregnant again?”
I silently nodded my head. Embarrassed.
She politely said, “Congratulations. Does anyone know?”
“No, not yet. I’m not very far along.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
I nodded politely as I turned and walked about to work.
My following shifts continued with a lot of vomiting. A lot of gum. I had called my office to let them know that I had a positive home pregnancy test. I knew the drill. You come in around 8-9 weeks for your first appointment which consisted of a urine pregnancy test and an ultrasound to confirm the live pregnancy. January 15th was my appointment date. Allison’s wedding was the 18th and we were leaving for Michigan the 16th. It was fine. Whatever. I’ll be okay.
As the days continue, I continue to vomit more. I called the office to ask what I could take for the nausea and vomiting. They gave me an over the counter option. It did not help. But it was fine.
One of the craziest days I’ve had a work included multiple trauma patient’s coming in before we were even fully staffed. I was standing at the nurses station with my manager from the ER and my supervisor for my SANE nursing. All of management was out on the floor to help. We were waiting for the next trauma. I can only imagine what shade of pale green I was, because I had all eyes on me. I looked up from having my head on in my hand while I leaned on the door frame of our med room.
“Are you okay?” someone asked me.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I quickly responded out of habit. My new phrase.
“You sure? You don’t look good?”
After a nice long pause, I finally spit out, “Yeah, it's fine, I need to puke.”
Silence. Literally silence in all the chaos of the department.
“It’s fine guys, I’m pregnant. This is my new thing. I’m fine, I just need to puke.”
“Wait, What?” responded my manager.
“Yeah, I’m like maybe 5 weeks pregnant. I can’t stop puking. It’s fine.”
This would be a good time to let you know that I have still yet to tell our parents that we are expecting again.
So, it’s December and getting close to Christmas. I had been looking to find some way to let our parents know they were going to be grandparents again. For Hudson, we gave them a onesie that said “Hello Grandma! I’m new in June!” I wanted to do something, but I honestly didn’t want anything to be too big. I am still not exactly thrilled that I am pregnant at this point. I’m literally just getting by day by day. I’m sick all the time, I’m exhausted. I am working full time. I’m a full time mom to a toddler and I was trying to complete my online training for SANE position. I’m pretty much just cranky all the time at this point.
I ended up getting Christmas ornaments for our parents that said “Grandparents again, Due in August.” I gave it to my mom, she looked at it and thought it was cute, then she realized that it said “Again”. Of course my whole family is happy. I’m like, “Yeah, I’m pregnant. I am really sick, and everyone at work is already finding out because I am so sick.”
My mom went on our shopping trip like we had planned and we had talked. My mom knew this wasn’t planned and she could tell how thrilled I was about this pregnancy. Hence the sarcasm. My mom felt the same with her second pregnancy with my brother. She had gotten off of birth control so that they could start trying for a second. My mom decided like a week later that she wanted to go on a skiing trip. So they were going to hold off for a bit. While waiting for her period to start so that she could get back on her birth control, she found out that she was pregnant. It’s not that my brother was unwanted, it was just bad timing. She could no longer go on her trip. I felt very similar. It’s not that I didn’t want this baby, I did. Just not right now. Like maybe in a month, after Allison’s wedding.
It was refreshing to hear my mom tell me it was okay not to be exactly thrilled at this time about it.
Telling my mother in law was completely different. I love her dearly and she is a very emotional person. I knew what her reaction was going to be. She was going to cry. And she did. A lot. I gave her the same ornament. She cried like a baby. And then I left to go to work. It honestly felt like the most insensitive thing in the world. “Here’s this gift. Oh hey, I’m pregnant again. Hooray!” then leaving to go to work. I didn’t even really talk to her. I wasn’t sure what to say to her. Here she is, crying the most joyous tears in the world, and I'm still in denial that I am pregnant.